Monday, December 30, 2013

The great and I do mean great Ken Levine on 2013 Celebrity Break-Ups

DAY, DECEMBER 30, 2013

You can’t turn on E! or read PEOPLE without stars gushing about how much in love they are. I don’t mean to be a cynic, but these celebrities invariably pontificate about what makes relationships work. Khloe Kardashian feels qualified to give romantic advice. Many stars live in a world where no one says “no” to them from the minute they wake up till the moment they go to bed. However, this has never stopped lovers and spouses. They will say no. They have said no. And usually at their own peril. They end up on the same scrap heap as the publicist who dared open her mouth. 

So because celebrities make such a public display of their affection – jumping on couches, etc. – and always claim to have the secret of long lasting relationships when in fact many don’t even know how to use a debit card, their break ups are fair game for snark. And before you feel sorry for them, remember, they’re all beautiful and will find love again in six seconds, and most of them found that love already when they were still with the partner they broke up with this year.

So here’s a list:

Julianne Hough & Ryan Seacrest – Split in June. Now people can go back to saying he’s gay.

Britney Spears & Jason Trawick -- All those vows of love she gave him, they were lip-synced.

Justin Bieber & Selena Gomez – This is their second break-up. Gomez decided to date boys who were legal.

George Clooney & Stacy Keibler – All I know is Talia Balsam was once married to George and is happy she’s out. So what does that say?

Catherine Zeta Jones & Michael Douglas – I'm reminded of his movie, THE WAR OF THE ROSES.

Clint & Dina Eastwood – I see him married at least another two times.

Miley Cyrus & Liam Hemsworth – Like everything else, this must be calculated on her part to advance her career.

Chelsea Handler & Andre Balazs – Warning: Skank now on the loose.

Bruce & Kris Jenner – A common line from a disillusioned spouse: “I don’t know you anymore.” Considering all the plastic surgery that was certainly true.

Diane Lane & Josh Brolin – He finally discovered that she’s ten times the actor he is.

Bradley Cooper & Zoe Saldana – Their second split. Bradley was hanging onto relationships a lot longer when he was in KITCHEN CONFIDENTIAL on Fox.

Ashley Judd & Dario Franchitti – I thought they were the happiest couple in Kentucky next to Boyd Crowder and Ava.

Michael Sheen & Rachel McAdams – Guess he was not a Master of Sex after all.

Michelle Williams & Jason Segel – I’m just glad he’s back on HIMYM.

Miranda Kerr & Orlando Bloom – They’ll find others. Someday.

Malin Akerman & Roberto Zincone – As a nice touch they split up months after the birth of their first child. My guess is he won’t be fighting for custody.

Keri Russell & Shane Deary – This was an arranged marriage by the Kremlin so I’m less broken up about it.

Idina Menzel & Taye Diggs – Gee, they seemed so happy when I saw them New Year’s Eve.

Kristen Stewart & Robert Pattinson – A match made in a casting office.

Nina Dobrev & Ian Somerhalder – “Dear Vampire Diary – I’m writing tonight with a heavy heart…”

Kat Von D & Deadmau5 -- They couldn’t agree on whether she’d take his last name or number.

Madonna & Brahim Zaibat – If Britney Spears broke up then Madonna has to.

Khloe Kardashian & Lamar Odem – I’m shocked. They had so much in common. Both have an IQ of 27.

Meanwhile, my heart goes out to real people who ended relationships this year. May 2014 bring you better luck, happiness, and someone who looks like Kristen Stewart or Robert Pattinson but not actually them.

By Ken Levine at 6:00 AM


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