Thursday, September 11, 2014

Headlines that shouldn't be true but are with a Sarah Palin Bonus

Teacher’s job threatened after he compares his school to
lesbian-creating concentration camp

Woman sues Costco for telling her to ‘be friendly’ to the customer
stalking her

Man who called 911 in Ohio Walmart shooting changes his story after
viewing video

Bill Maher: If Hillary gets the 2016 nomination, I’ll vote for Rand Paul

Texas man shoots at Frisbee golfer, barricades himself in home because
disc lands in his yard

Ex-city manager killed after shooting at official in public meeting to
protest property taxes

Bryan Fischer: Ban atheists from the military because ‘genuine
Americans’ will die for God

Judge who ordered shock for disruptive ‘sovereign citizen’ banned from
hearing cases

Truthers commemorate 9/11 with Times Square ad showing WTC 7 imploding
on infinite loop

Ohio woman raped after bus driver boots her onto street at 1 a.m. over
a broken flip-flop

Trial begins for mother who fatally poisoned her autistic son in posh
hotel room

Florida official guns down wife, then himself in locked bedroom as
10-year-old daughter listens

Home Intruder Caught Cooking Corn Cob: Cops

Thieves Steal 100 Onions That 5th Graders Grew For Charity

Who Erected This Anatomically Complete Naked Satan Statue?...

BONUS  she coulda been vp or maybe even--my God--prez
Anchorage police confirm Palin family involved in heated Saturday night

The Palin family was reportedly involved in a messy fistfight on
Saturday night that involved at least 20 people in Anchorage, Alaska at
an event sponsored by the annual Iron Dog snowmobile race.
Details are still sketchy, but reported Thursday morning
that a spokesperson for the Anchorage Police Department confirmed that
members of the Palin family were involved in a public fight in
Anchorage on Saturday night, but that no arrests were made because no
one pressed charges.
“Well, look who is doing some journamalism,” quipped Wonkette editor
and owner Rebecca Schoenkopf, “it is us, yr Wonkette.”
“Anita in the Anchorage Police Department’s communications office is
sitting at her desk at 7:15 a.m. on a Thursday, so probs they are
waiting for a whole mess of calls from Jake Tapper or whatever,”
Schoenkopf continued, “and Anita confirms that a huge bloody mess of a
brawl between multiple subjects took place Saturday night, and that the
Palins were ‘present.’”
Local blogger Jessie Griffin at the Immoral Minority wrote on
Wednesday, “According to the grapevine Track had some altercation with
a person who may or may not have once dated one of the Palin girls.
That led to some pushing and shoving, which escalated somehow to the
family being asked to leave the premises.”
“However before that could happen a certain former abstinence
spokesperson unleashed a flurry of blows at some as of yet identified
individual before being pulled off by by another partygoer, after which
Todd apparently puffed up his chest and made some threatening remarks.
(The “C’ word may have been uttered at one point,)” said the blog.
Alaskan political blogger Amanda Coyne said she was able to piece
together a version of events from sources who witnessed the
out-of-control brawl.
“There’s some sort of unofficial birthday/Iron Dog-type/snowmachine
party in Anchorage. A nice, mellow party, until the Palins show up,”
Coyne wrote. “There’s beer, of course, and maybe other things. Which is
all fine, but just about the time when some people might have had one
too many, a Track Palin stumbles out of a stretch Hummer, and
immediately spots an ex-boyfriend of Willow’s. Track isn’t happy with
this guy, the story goes. There’s words, and more.”
“The owner of the house gets involved, and he probably wished he
hadn’t,” Coyne continued. “At this point, he’s up against nearly the
whole Palin tribe: Palin women screaming. Palin men thumping their
chests. Word is that Bristol has a particularly strong right hook,
which she employed repeatedly, and it’s something to hear when Sarah
screams, ‘Don’t you know who I am!’ And it was particularly wonderful
when someone in the crowd screamed back, ‘This isn’t some damned
Hillbilly reality show!’”
“No, it’s what happens when the former First Family of Alaska comes
knocking. As people were leaving in a cab, Track was seen on the
street, shirtless, flipping people off, with Sarah right behind him,
and Todd somewhere in the foreground, tending to his bloody nose,” she
It’s difficult to say how much of this is true, based as it is on what
witnesses claim to have seen and heard.
In an update posted Thursday, Griffin said she spoke to homeowner Chris
Olds, who confirmed that the melee took place in his residence and that
he was repeatedly struck by Bristol Palin.
Anchorage Police confirmed to Griffin that at least 20 people were
involved in the fight, but reports differ as to who started the brawl
and why.

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Bill Crider said...

The Sarah Palin story is my favorite of the week so far.

Dan said...

I loved the Bryan Fischer story: You mean I coulda beat the draft in '68 just by telling them I was an atheist?! Also it raises the question: if Atheists were banned from the Army, what would be the status of agnostics? Maybe they'd just be banned from the National Guard.